


The Review

by Kalta79



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Characters Reading Fanfiction, Don't Judge Me, Inappropriate Humor, Multi, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-04 17:55:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11560377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalta79/pseuds/Kalta79
Summary: Reno searches for fanfic about him, while his bed buddies are eager to get busy





	1. Chapter 1

"What the hell?" Reno asked as he did his usual weekend searches for fanfic about him. "Why do they constantly pair me with other men? That's gross!"

"Reeeeeennnnnnoooooooo..." Elena called him from the bed.

"Just gimme a couple more minutes." Reno logged in with his Red XIII account. "Reno would never want to have sex with Cloud, not unless it was the only way he could have sex with Tifa too. He‘s a Turk and a very sexy man to boot!" Reno spoke out loud as he typed every word, as he submitted his review to the first Reno/Cloud story he found.

"That's enough for now." Rude said and turned off the computer.

"Hey, that's not fair. It's bad enough that we can't let people know we really exist because we're supposed to be a covert unit, but at least I can anonymously let them know what I think about it!" Reno protested until Rude silenced him with a kiss.

"You've kept us waiting too long, the stories will still be there when we're done." Rude led him to the bed.

"Why do they think I'd do some of the stuff they have me do?" Reno persisted as he let Rude and Elena undress him.

"Who knows?" Elena responded, and then pulled him to her. "What's important is that you got the short straw, so we get to have our way with you first, then you and Rude get to have your way with me, and then you and I get to have our way with Rude." Elena said, fondling him as Rude put his hands on Reno's thighs and kissed his neck. Soon all three of him forgot any extraneous matters as they reveled in the overwhelming multiple pleasures that they could only experience with each other. When they had their first threesome night, it was alcohol-inspired when they celebrated a successful but incredibly difficult mission, and when they sobered up, they tried to pretend it didn’t happen. But they kept finding themselves drawn to each other, especially when having single partners proved so disappointing after that.

Tseng watched the monitor as his Turks did what they called exercises to strengthen their unit. It was too obvious that was a lie when Elena told him that when he questioned her about them spending so much time together, so he had installed cameras in all of their bedrooms. He had sold the tapes to Square Enix to fund more projects for his Turks, and he knew Reno would never find out that's how Final Fantasy VII came to exist, based on the conversations his Turks had about their missions on those videos, and why the fanfiction took the turns it did.

 

***

Rude woke up first and snuck over to the computer, turning it on. He wanted to see what Reno found so fascinating. The fanfiction site he was on when Rude shut down the computer the night before popped back up, and Rude searched for himself. He smiled when he noticed he was paired with Tifa frequently, but his smile faded as he saw the men he was also paired with. He could deal with Reno, but Vincent? The guy had been a fellow Turk at one point, but that was decades ago. Vincent was old now, even if he didn’t look like it. Rude was creating an account to review the stories under the name Mr. Clean when Reno put his hand on his shoulder.

“Just to warn you, whoever ‘The Rookie’ is, their stories are the worst.” Reno said as he pulled up a chair next to Rude to show him. They were so totally engrossed with reading and reviewing stories, that they lost track of time until their phones rang, and Tseng demanded they get their asses to the meeting.

“Where’s Elena?” they asked each other as they realized she wasn’t in bed anymore.

“The bathroom door is closed, she’s probably getting ready.” Rude said after looking around.

 

***

“The Rookie strikes again.“ Elena murmured as she sat on the toilet, typing on her cellphone. She had started this as just a way to tease her coworkers, but now she was addicted to it. _Cloud and Reno smiled at each other, glad to finally be alone at last. They had waited so long, they couldn’t control themselves anymore. Ripping their clothes off in the frenzied passion of the moment, Reno was first to…_

“Come on, Elena, we’re late and Boss Man probably has his serious expression on, waiting for us to show up.” Reno knocked on the bathroom door.

“Dammit!” Elena exclaimed as she had been concentrating so hard on her writing that the noise startled her and she dropped her cellphone into the toilet, and the motion sensor flusher activated. “That was going to be my masterpiece!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reno tries his own hand at writing, and Elena reviews it

_It was a hot night in the town of Midgar, but not because of the temperature. To celebrate giving Cloud the ability to defeat Sephiroth and cure Geostigma, Reno was doing his public relations work to restore the Turks’ good name, as befit the second-in-command of such an elite group. The turnstile he had installed at the entrance to his bedroom had a line stretching out his apartment, down the stairwell to the ground floor and out the building. The fee required for the turnstile to free up and let the women in was going to the charity Reno founded to help the orphans, given how there had been such an increase in childless parents._

_“Who’s next?” Reno asked, as the 10th woman he had just serviced left, and he wasn't the least bit winded._

_“Me!” Yuffie and Shalua cried out, trying to fight each other to put their coins in the turnstile first._

_“Now, now, ladies. There’s enough of me for everyone. Remember, this is for charity.”_

_Shalua’s bionic arm settled the dispute, and as she laid down on the bed after undressing herself, Reno touched that arm._

_“I’ve never done a woman with one of these before.” Reno said._

_“How do you find the energy to do everything you do?” Shalua asked him._

_“I’m not only a Turk, but I’m a very sexy man!” Reno replied, and proved it._

_Note: the fine Reno would have had to pay for the noise disturbance that night was waived when it was found out that it was Reno behind it, and he was doing it for charity, as befit a hero of his stature. And the money raised was enough to build a brand new state-of-the-art orphanage._

“Now that’s a masterpiece.” Reno said as he posted his first story, making sure everyone knew what kind of a man he really was.

***

Elena had been searching for a new story to read for inspiration, when she came across a story that had recently been posted by Red XIII, which she knew was Reno‘s account. “This might be interesting.” Elena said, as she read the story summary, which said that this story was the proper way to write Reno’s character, and she eagerly clicked on the link.

“What the hell?!” she exclaimed when she finished reading it. “What a load of garbage…that’s not what happened! I know how to take care of this.” A little while later, she posted her own story. “That’ll show ‘em.” Elena smiled.

 

***

“Oh great…The Rookie has posted another story about Reno.” he groused. “Well, let’s see what she wrote.” Reno clicked on the link.

_It was a hot night in Midgar when Elena went to go find Reno, because he was late for an emergency meeting. She noticed a trail of ants going inside his apartment building. Curious, she followed them to the stairwell and up to the fifth floor. Entering the hallway, she saw that they were going into Reno’s flat, and picking the lock to open his door, she found out why. He had left his refrigerator door open for some reason, and the ants were enjoying the buffet._

_“Reno?” she called out, worried._

_“Is it gone yet?” he called back from his bedroom._

_“Is what gone yet?” Elena entered his bedroom, but didn’t see him at first. Then she saw his ponytail sticking out from under his bed. Kneeling on all fours, she peered under the bed. “What are you doing here? You‘re late for the meeting!”_

_“I was having a quick bite to eat before leaving, and this humongous spider appeared out of nowhere and tried to attack me. Is it still there?” he asked._

_Elena barely contained her disgust over such a trivial thing, and went to check the fridge out. She saw a baby spider dangling from a thread in front of the fridge door. Finding an empty takeout box, she captured the spider and put it out on the balcony, where it could catch all the bugs flying into the windows it wanted._

_“It’s safe now, you can come out!” Elena called out to Reno._

_When Reno appeared in the kitchen, he was brushing his suit off, which Elena had always found amusing. He didn’t mind his uniform being slovenly and wrinkled, but NO dirt must touch it. “Glad your training is working and you were able to handle the situation properly.” he said, as if he had just been testing her and not cowering under his bed like a scared chocobo. “Now let’s get to that meeting.”_

_As they were leaving, the superintendent handed Reno a paper detailing the fine he had to pay for disturbing the peace of the other tenants when he screamed like a banshee upon discovering the spider._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reno tries to get Elena out of his hair for a while. Wasn't gonna post anything til Monday, but changed my mind.

“ **What**?!” Elena couldn’t believe her ears.

“You heard me. You know how Rufus is all about making amends to the planet now, so you’re the lucky girl who gets to spend a month in the Arctic, doing a census of the lion seal population and protecting them. They’re an endangered species, you know.” Reno fought hard to keep the smirk off his face, though he felt an immense amount of satisfaction that ‘The Rookie’ wouldn’t be able to post more stories about him for quite a while. The only quarters available was a log hut, no electricity or internet available, she‘d be totally incommunicado.

 

***

 

Reno approached the Arctic hut cautiously two weeks later, because Rude was constantly nagging him to make sure Elena was okay. He missed her too, but wasn’t about to admit that to anyone. Reno didn’t see any lion seals nearby, but he didn’t think of it until he saw the red marks on the building.

“Elena?” he called out nervously, and was rewarded by a strange giggle in response.

Reno cautiously opened the door and was shocked to see Elena with the skin of a seal covering her, and she had apparently marked her face with blood. Huddling by the fire, she was cooking meat on a stick. There were a couple more seal skins in the cabin, and a carcass on the only table, blood still dripping down onto the floor.

“Are you okay?” Reno hoped this wasn’t some kind of insanity caused by isolation.

“Elena doesn’t live here anymore. Only the Red Death…” she said in a weird tone of voice he had never heard before, as she tasted the meat and stuck it back in the fire.

“Uh, I think I have the wrong address, have a nice day.” Reno hurried out the door, chased back to the helicopter by Elena’s strange laugh. He’d let Tseng come and get her when the month was over.

 

***

 

Once she heard the helicopter leave, Elena relaxed. She wasn’t about to let Reno know that the seals were under attack by some predator she hadn’t caught yet, but she had tried to bring the injured seals back to the hut for medical help, and if they didn’t make it, she wasn’t going to let them go to waste. Well okay, she was hormonal right now, but not quite homicidal. Maybe. She grabbed the notebook she had brought with her and wrote down more of the story she planned to post when she got back. If Reno thought he was going to stop her, she’d show him! It’s not that she disliked Reno, in fact she was rather fond of him, but she knew he was far from perfect, and her stories helped her to cope with his imperfections.

_Reno entered the high school gymnasium, hoping to find love and sex, in that order. He had convinced himself he was a teenager again, looking for that special someone to lose his virginity with. It was also Halloween, so no one looked askance at him making his way through the attendees. Reno sat on the bleachers, feeling dejected by the lack of anyone who interested him, until he saw someone wearing a Chocobo costume walk in. He couldn’t tell if they were male or female, but they were beautiful, whoever it was. Reno knew he loved chocobos with an irrational passion, but he never cared to change that about himself._

_Cloud couldn’t believe he had let Tifa talk him into chaperoning the high school dance, just because it was Denzel’s first. And the chocobo costume she had made for him itched like crazy. He was already late, and he figured things were going to get worse from there, especially since both he and Denzel weren’t happy about Cloud chaperoning. Cloud was surprised to see Reno approach him, with an odd look on his face._

A shrill noise interrupted her writing, and Elena realized the seals were under attack again. She grabbed the harpoon and trank guns and ran towards the sound. This time she caught the predator by surprise, only her surprise was greater. It was the Chaos Beast…what had happened to Vincent? Elena dropped the harpoon gun and tried to fire the trank gun at him, but he heard the noise and charged her. The gun went off as the Chaos Beast grabbed Elena.

 

***

 

Elena woke up in the hut, feeling very weak and sore. “What happened?” she groggily asked as she saw Vincent by the fire.

“I’m…I’m not sure. One moment I was going to sleep, the next I found myself out here with you bleeding on the ground next to me. I managed to make some broth for you, I hope it helps.” Vincent helped her sit up to sip from the cup of broth he handed her, and Elena was mad at herself for blushing, since Vincent had seen her naked before, the first time he played nursemaid for her.

“You were attacking the seals.” Elena said as she remembered what happened.

“If you mean the Chaos Beast was, I’ll go back to the lab and have them figure out what’s wrong with me. I’ve been feeling weird lately.” Vincent admitted.

“If you’re going back to civilization, would you do me a favor?” Elena asked excitedly.

“What’s the favor?” Vincent asked guardedly.

“Let me finish writing something, then you can give it to Shalua Rui at the WRO lab. She’ll know what to do with it.” Elena’s smile seemed maliciously beautiful to Vincent.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reno counters with a story of his own again

Reno and Rude both stared in disbelief at the computer screen at The Rookie’s latest story. Rude’s first gut reaction was to start laughing at the absurdity of it, but he knew Reno was seething, especially now that his partner’s face was the same color as his hair.

“How could she?!” The words erupted out of Reno.

“You’ll have to ask her when she gets back.” Rude said calmly. He really needed those two to work out whatever was bothering them. He cared for them both, but he was tired of being stuck in the middle. “Or you could just write your own stories and let her write hers.” The almost unholy joy that appeared on Reno’s face made Rude wish he had kept his mouth shut.

_Elena downed her energy drink. It was late at night, but she had much to do still, and she was exhausted. Reno was second-in-command of the Turks, and he needed to be treated appropriately. She was making sure everything was ready to make him his favorite breakfast in the morning when she heard him call her._

_“Yes, Master?” Elena asked when she stopped in the doorway to his bedroom, remembering to bow to him. “How may I please you now?”_

_Reno patted the spot on the bed next to him. “Come here, my faithful servant.”_

_Elena obediently sat down on the bed next to him. “What now, Master?”_

_“Now I show you how much I appreciate all you do for me.” Reno said as he took her robe off._

_“Oh, thank you, Master.” Elena gratefully exclaimed. She was so lucky to have him reward her the way he did. He was the manliest man she had ever known, and she pitied the women who would never experience the joy he gave her so effortlessly._

“Uhhhhh, that’s really… _nice_.” Rude managed to say when Reno showed him the beginning of his story. Rude was expecting his eyes to start bleeding at any moment. “Will you have it finished and posted before Elena gets back?”

“You better believe I will!” Reno promised, and Rude made a mental note not to be anywhere in the building on that day.

 

***

 

Elena was surprised that Tseng was the one who picked her up when her month was over. Her feelings for him had been supplanted by feelings for Rude and Reno, so she didn’t know why she blushed when the helicopter landed. She eagerly got in, excited at the prospect of a hot shower and a microwave, not to mention getting food delivered, and cell service as well. And she could see what Reno’s response to her latest story was.

When Elena entered her apartment, the first thing she did was head straight for the bathroom. After spending an hour in the shower, she decided that was enough for one night. Putting her bathrobe on as she headed to the kitchen, she noticed some papers stacked on her counter. Grabbing them, she was surprised to see it was a story that Reno had written, at least she figured it was him, since he had handwritten “Hope you like it!” on the top of the first page.

Reno was working on charming the barista into making sure he always got his order first, when his cellphone started blaring. Controlling his annoyance at the interruption, he glanced at his phone, and his jaw dropped when he realized it was telling him there was a fire at his condo. Running all the way back, he got there just as the fire department did.

“It wasn’t anything serious, someone just burnt some papers in your bathroom sink which set the alarms off.” The fireman in charge told Reno as the firefighters left a few minutes later.

Reno went into the bathroom and found pieces of the paper that was burnt, and he realized it was his latest story. **_Elena_**!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm ending this story now, but I might at some point write more, just don't hold your breath.

“This is all your fault!” Reno and Elena snapped at each other as the helicopter left them stranded. They were on a lovely huge tropical island, but they were in no mood to admire the beauty of their surroundings. Their constant bickering had not escaped Tseng’s notice, and now they were dumped on an island until they started getting along together again.

“I don’t need your help!” Reno exclaimed in Elena’s direction before she could say anything, and stormed off in an easterly direction.

“Jerk!” Elena muttered, trying to see if any of the plants seemed familiar to her when she heard Reno cry out, followed by a sickening sound. Running in his direction, one moment she was on solid ground, the next moment she felt herself falling through the air until she partially landed on top of Reno, and she felt a tremendous sharp pain in her arm that hit the ground.

“Were you following me?” Reno asked testily, and as Elena got up off him, she noticed one of his legs was bent awkwardly. When she tried to move her arm to examine his leg, she realized it was broken. Using her other hand, her physical examination along with Reno’s color fading a little and his trying not to wince told her that his leg was broken as well.

“I followed you when I heard you get into trouble. But I guess you didn’t need my help, did you?” Elena asked him pointedly.

“I’ve been in worse spots.” Reno said, using the tree roots sticking through the sides of the pit to pull himself up to a standing position. “This was some kind of trap, we’re lucky there weren’t any spikes as well.”

“How are we going to get out of here with your broken leg and my broken arm?” Elena asked.

“I know how I’m getting out.” Reno answered, using the vines and both his arms to climb out, crawling out once he reached the top since he couldn’t stand. Just as Elena was going to start yelling expletives meant for him for leaving her, a vine harness dropped down.

“Thank you.” Elena said less than graciously as she put the harness on, then she tugged on it to let Reno know she was ready. He had pulled her halfway up when the vine broke, and she barely grabbed a nearby root in time to keep from falling again.

“Are you okay?” Reno’s head popped over the edge of the pit. “Here, grab onto me.” He offered his hand to her and she hurriedly took it. He pulled her up, and they just laid there for a few moments on the ground, catching their breaths until Reno started laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Elena asked, hoping he wasn’t laughing at her, because she didn’t want to hurt a man who was crippled, even if it was just temporary.

“If this is all Rude’s fault cause he got sick of listening to us, joke’s on him. He’ll be lost without us.” Reno said with his trademark smirk on his face.

 

***

“Would you like some more wine?” Tifa asked as the candlelight flickered around them.

“No, thank you.” Rude said. When Tifa had noticed him all by his lonesome for a change at her bar, she had started talking to him until closing, then offered to share her dinner with him. Rude had been surprised, but accepted when he realized how lonely she really was. The meal was just meatloaf, but Tifa was pulling out all the stops and dressing it up as a candlelight dinner. She had even changed into a beautiful dress that was tastefully revealing. He was bemused and enchanted by it all, remembering how he used to wish for a night like this with Tifa.

“Can you dance?” Tifa asked after dinner. She had enjoyed having someone paying attention to her for a change, and she didn’t want the night to end yet.

“Um, what kind of dancing?” Rude blurted out in surprise.

“I’ll show you.” Tifa smiled as she put some classical music on before approaching him. “Just hold me.”

 

***

Tseng read the first chapter of Mr. Clean’s first story. “Hmmm…that could work.” He picked up the phone. “Hello, Mr. Shinra, sir. Do you still have that island estate?”

***

Cloud stared at the text message. He didn’t know why Tseng wanted him to deliver a package to Icicle, but he did want to revisit Aerith’s hometown, and he kept hoping Tifa would find the right someone for her while he was off on business.

***

 

“Get out!” Tseng told Reno and Elena.

“Are you serious?” Reno asked his superior.

“You need to get along better. You’re Turks, this kind of constant squabbling you’ve been indulging in is beneath both of you. I’ll be back for you when I know you’ve gotten over your pettiness.” With that, Tseng shoved them out of the helicopter onto the coast of an island somewhere and closed the door.

“This is all your fault!” Reno and Elena snapped at each other as the helicopter took off and left them stranded.


End file.
